I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
