I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
