He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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