I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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