Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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