from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
