I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
