I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
