I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
