You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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