I met the friendliest cop last night
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
