We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
