I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
