If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
