I wish my penis had an off switch
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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