I wanna bring you to show and tell
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
