You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
