i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
