I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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