Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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