She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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