my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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