Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I want her autograph on my taint
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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