How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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