it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
