It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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