don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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