Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
