so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
