I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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