for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
