fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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