ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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