Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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