Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
