just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
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I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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