You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
