FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
