there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
