he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish I only lived at night.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
