the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
