i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
