Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
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i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
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i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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