so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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