you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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