i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
