Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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