Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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