I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
