So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
