i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You smell like stripper and shame
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
