Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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