what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
