Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
