so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
