I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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