i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
