Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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