So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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