It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You may now shotgun with the bride
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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