my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
