You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
